Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Something Ive Realized.

Ive been doing something lately that I would like to call "detoxing" my life.
Something that I have never done before, but Im loving it so far. I started with going through my clothes and closet (which still isnt done by the way) and throwing out all of the things I never wear. Honestly, I do laundry once a week and half of my clothes or more than half are still in my closet when I say "I have NOTHING to wear" but really, I do. Anyways. So thats the first thing. Second thing, I went and bought fruit, and healthy stuff to eat so I am not constantly eating junk. Because believe me, thats what I do best.
But that is only the beginning.
I am more than unhappy with my grades this semester. I felt like I tried so hard, and I ended up with the worst grades I have ever had. I studied for hours on end for astronomy, and I got nothing back from it. I dont know what I want to do with my life, so I hated going to all of my classes. I didnt listen, but honestly, I dont even know what I was doing. Facebook, sure. But I really dont even know what I was doing there.
I am not happy.
This semester is one big blur. I dont really even remember what I even learned in my classes now, I have purged everything. So essentially I have paid 2,000 for nothing, or terrible grades and an awful semester. whichever you prefer. The only thing I will never forget--Harrison Klieners class. He was the best professor ever. He was one who did inspire me, and I think that is why I am "detoxing." I have the rest of my life to be out of college. work, and whatever. I am going to live it up as much as I can. Im going to remember what I did, and take classes I want to take. There will be classes I dont like, but that means Im one step closer to the major/job that I want. I want to read good books, and "party" all night long. I want look back on this time and remember what I learned and have pictures of memories that will last a life time. From now on, there is no hurry. I just want to have the time of my life, before I grow up and get too old to do those things :)

I woke up today and realized that I havent been happy for a really long time. Ive built up walls around myself so no one, not even my friends could come in. I had a chance to fall in love, and I turn it away. Ive been jumping from guy to guy for months. They dont want a relationship, well that is completely okay because I cant let anyone inside my walls because im afraid they will hurt me like I have been hurt before. Im scared to love because being vulnerable is something I cant handle anymore. Being told Im pretty or nice or smart is something I just dismiss and I tell myself they are saying because they are nice. I dont have any self confidence anymore, and I hate everything about the way I look. "Ill be happy if..." has been running through my head constantly--
if I lose ten pounds
If i get a boyfriend
if I go shopping for new clothes
If I have designer jeans
If I have the right hairstyle
if i have the perfect makeup

no more. Im doing what I love, and loving what I do, come what may.
My walls may not be coming down just yet, but I sure as hell wont be as hesitant to pull them down. If I don't an opportunity to pass me by to fall in love, or find another best friend.
Next semester my goal is a 4.0. I can do it. I know I can. Watch me. I will do everything to the best of my ability, and even if I dont quite make it to a 4.0, I will still do better than I did this semester right?
Anyways. This may just be me ranting on about whatever. But thats what a blog is for right? Riley Jo is to thank for the picture, I read her blog today and it was just another eye opener about what I should be doing with my life. Instead of just going through the motions. I only have one life, and one time to make it count. This is me throwing my passion into everything I do. Right. Now.

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